After a year or so of being jerked around by douchey frat guys and lames, I’m finally dating someone. For real. And I’m so very very happy.
As it is the beginning of October, the season of change has begun. And it is a beautiful season marked by the falling of leaves, the abundance of orange & yellow, and the crisp scent of crunchy leaves. The changes prominent in my life revolve around love, career, and family.
First, my love life is so ever-changing this fall. At the beginning of September I’d thought, I’ve finally found the guy. The guy I want to spend the season with, get to know, and let into my heart. And it started so beautifully: a night of wine, dinner, hulu, romance, clubbing, and then more romance with a walk home in the morning. He was just so perfect in the beginning. And then a few days later we had the best afternoon together…and then it all went to hell. Just such a sudden change, I’m still reeling. How can something so sweet turn into something so sour in such a short amount of time? But I guess that’s just how life works, right? I just wish he respected me as much as I tried to respect and honor whatever we were. But, again, that’s just how it works: you win some, you lose some. And now as October begins, I’ve been contacted by an old flame (ah, end of freshman year). I actually was just thinking about him yesterday morning before he Facebook messaged me and the good times we had without too much drama…perfect Freshman year non-romantic fling. So as October begins, so does something that’s hopefully long-lasting.
Next, are the changes in my career. These past few months have revolved around the start-up Poshly.com, a beauty data mining firm that is a place that has truly captured my heart. However, there have been some recent changes that have me questioning whether or not I still have a place there, and that is so stressful as a young professional. You work so, so hard to prove to them that you’re worth it…yet you just end up being expendable. And it hurts my heart. So I’ve recently pursued a position with Target (yes, the red bulls-eye) and I’m super excited. I’m OBSESSED with Target: their fashion collaborations, their branding, their BEAUTY section, the grocery section (FOOOOOD), and just so many other reasons. So, that’s the silver lining in this situation.
Finally, there’s the changes in my family life. I’ve been around my parents for so long that now I don’t know what to do without them. I depend on them for so much. Brief statement of change, but the truth.
So many changes, so many opportunities to explore new things, so many new budding friendships. What to do?
Over the past few days, I’ve had a lot of time to consider the direction I’m taking in my life..and I realized that I deserve a lot more respect from those I care about than I am receiving. And it just broke my heart to feel so rejected, lost, and tossed away.
However, tonight I set myself free of those chains-rejection, hopelessness-and confronted those who treat me like I am less. To them I said:
“I’ve been some rough things in my life. I’ve been beaten down, torn up, thrown away, and forgotten. And I used to think that I deserved to be treated that way. Like, how can someone like me deserve better? A manic depressive recovering anorexic. But this year, I’ve reflected and realized that I deserve so much better. I deserve the love that I give to others willingly and joyfully-without question. I deserve to be treated with respect from all those I give the time and every to reach out to and build a relationship with (platonic or romantic). I deserve to be loved, I deserve to be cared about, I deserve a second as a thought in someone’s mind. I am better than this. I am better than how you treat me. I am better.”
Because I am better. Some love can stand a lifetime. Some love must be lived and lost because those who don’t understand how to appreciate the little things, must be forgotten.
For a young woman like me, the love landscape these days just seems so…futile. The more you try, the more a guy likes you. Yet, when you don’t try they like you. I know this is a tried and true problem but for someone who just doesn’t have the time for it, why can’t a guy just express his feelings and let you know that there is actually something underneath all the bull and talk about not wanting to be serious.
I feel that if you make effort to see me, make me dinner, bring me drinks, and actually hang out with me outside of the bedroom; why play games about how you feel? It’s just so frustrating caring about men and making a genuine effort when, quite frankly, I never actually care. It just hurts so much.
Welp, those are my reflections on my love life- well somewhat lack of- right now.
i want to hold hands and waste friday nights with you. i want to feel like you care for me the way i care for you. i want you to appreciate me for who i am and where i am going in life; and why i want to be there for you always. this isn’t love. not even close. this isn’t me pining. this isn’t me wishing that we could be more. all i want is for you to hold hands and waste friday and saturday nights with me. no complaints.